IAMCURI.US

Somewhere around noon on December 29, 2023 I logged out and powered down my work computer for the last time. After 40 years and 6 months of professional practice in nursing -- 20 in the clinical setting and another almost 21 in teaching -- I was retiring. Officially, I was to work until 4 PM that day but all of my students had been transferred to other instructors, much of my access to school resources had been rescinded, and there was nothing for me to do so, with my boss's blessings, I called it a career.

Like most retirees, I had envisioned what life post-work would be like. I would travel. I would do volunteer work. I would write. Maybe I'd start a YouTube channel. I'd spend time building new hobbies like electronics. Maybe I'd return to school to study topics that interested me like sociology or anthropology. Maybe I would challenge myself by learning calculus or physics. The opportunities were endless.

Seven months out from retirement and I've done very few of those things. Yes, I've done reading in sociology and anthropology, as well as philosophy. Yes, I've done a fair amount of writing, fleshing out ideas that have come to me over time and that I wanted to know more about. But most of my time has been spent doing routine things -- mowing the grass, organizing my office, spending time with my wife, playing with the dogs. And we talk about travel. We want to visit Vermont, for example. And I'd love to spend a little time at the beach. Going to resort areas like Destin, Siesta Key, or Hilton Head is always (somewhat bizarrely¹) energizing for me. I love to people-watch and beach areas are particularly good for that type of activity. People are less conscientious about their persons when away from home and those who might know them.

When I first retired, I wanted to get going on all the things I planned. Time was of the essence! I need to get my YouTube channel up and going. I need to get my writing published. I need to learn electronics in the next six months. And the list goes on.

As time has passed, though, I have begun to realize several things. First, and I mentioned this in an earlier post, I began to realize that I have, with any luck, 20 to 30 years ahead of me. Looking back at what I've done in the last 20 years, I know that I have time to do all things I want to do, all without rushing. Second, I spent most of my life dealing with the stress of feeling like I needed to get things done. I rushed about trying to meet obligations both real and imagined. And I still have that feeling that I "should" be doing something ... writing, reading specific books, planning specific trips, etc. I found that I was still being driven by the "shoulds" that had been a part of my life forever.

More recently, I have begun to realize, too, that my reason for wanting to retire was, in part, to provide me more control over my life. I wanted to be able to do the things I want to do, when I want to do them, rather than on someone else's timeline. I wanted to be able to take my time in doing things rather than rushing simply to get to the goal post. I recognize that a lot of that sense of imperative in activities comes from my Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) but I want to control that and I have begun to realize that in retirement, I can. There is no reason to rush. The clock and calendar become somewhat irrelevant. I don't need to be 'productive'. Exploring ideas for the sake of exploration and learning is fine: there doesn't need to be a reason for my activities.

This realization was underscored by an articleI read a few days ago that spoke to a way of life that prioritizes satisfaction in life over productivity. Notice I didn't say "happiness". Happiness is a temporary state which is, in my view, only exists in contrast to some other state. It is not possible, in my mind, to be happy all the time. You can, however, be content or satisfied most of the time. The article refers to a Swedish concept known as lagom, which roughly translates to "just enough". As I pondered that article, I realized that it is okay to do "just enough" to keep me occupied and engaged, but not so much that I feel pressed to complete a task or activity, or meet a (self-imposed) goal.

After pondering those factors for a few days, I have begin to re-envision my retirement. I still have goals. I still want to travel so my wife and I will sit down and identify places we'd like to go and things we'd like to do. And I will still write, with an aim of publishing something at least every couple of weeks if not more often. And I may still create that YouTube channel. But I'm no longer in a rush to do them. I'm coming to grips with the notion that if it get done, great! If not, that's okay, too.

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