Some Critiques of ‘Strong Female Character’

Yesterday I posted my book review of FernBrady’s memoir, Strong Female Character. After I did that, I thought it would be interesting to see what others had to say about the book. I know that people interpret and experience books differently based on their own experiences, expectations, values, and so on, so I was not surprised to find that not everyone thought as highly of the book as I did.

Today I thought I’d touch on a couple of the concerns people expressed about the book and provide my own thoughts regarding their comments. I am not minimizing their points of view. After all, they are as free to express their perspectives as I am to present mine. That said, it did seem to me that some of the comments were a bit narrow minded.

One individual complained that the book had too much sex and that they felt that the author was blaming their promiscuity on her autism. This individual felt that in writing about her sex life, the author was suggesting that women with autism were all promiscuous. While I don’t disagree that she did discuss her sex life a bit more than was neccesary I didn’t feel that she was blaming this on her autism. Nor did I interpret what she wrote as suggesting that all women, or even most women, with autism were promiscuous. As the author herself has said, she was writing about about her experiences, her life. That is, after all, what a memoir is – a story of one person’s life.

What I found interesting about that complaint was that, while she did discuss her sex life, it was not done in a graphic manner. There were no steamy sex scenes. Often, her sexual liasons were simply mentioned in passing.

Did she blame her promiscuity on her autism? Not directly. A large portion of the book is devoted to describing, and to some degree exploring, the impact that undiagnosed autism had on her life. That is, how she struggled to fit in; how her autistic behaviors impacted her relationships with everyone; how her parents, not recognizing autistic behaviors, shamed and shunned her; how she wanted friends but was often shunned and mistreated because of her social awkwardness, and so on. She did not receive a great deal of love and support from her parents and had few friends. In that context, I can see how her sexual behavior might have been rooted in a desire to find love and support. It is not uncommon for physical love to serve as a proxy for real love. She was, at least, getting some attention, whether it was healthy and normal, or not.

As I read the book, it seemed to me that she was writing as much to try to understand her own life, her own behaviors, as she was trying to share the experience of being an autistic woman with the reader. She was trying to make sense out of the chaos that autism had created in her life. The diagnosis gave her a lens for understanding her life.

And that leads me to the next complaint which is that she some see her as simply a hateful, violent, depressed person. Well, her descriptions of some of her behaviors certainly fit that bill. And there was even some discussion that perhaps she was misdiagnosed as autistic when she might have a Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m not going to get into that whole discussion because I, like almost all who made that observation, lack the qualifications – and all of the evidence – needed to make that diagnosis. I’ll have to trust that the specialist that diagnosed her was qualified to do so and did so based on significantly more evidence that was provided in the book. And that alternate diagnoses were considered and discarded.

Autism comes in many forms, some of them more violent and chaotic than others. Meltdowns are a pretty common characteristic and, again, can take many forms from curling up in a corner and sobbing uncontrollably to pitching temper tantrums that end up throwing things, breaking things, etc. As one commenter on Reddit noted, when you’e read a book about someone with autism you’ve read a book about a person with autism. What you haven’t read is a book about autism.

My point here is that passing judgement on the author (or anyone) for being open and honest about their life is simply wrong. She acknowledged violent, anti-social behaviors which she apparently had difficulty controlling. Or expecting them to present their condition in a way that is consoling to you is simply wrong. That was her life, whether you like it or not.

In reading through some of the comments about the book it struck me that many seemed to feel that by presenting her truth, she was somehow casting shade on women with autism. She wasn’t playing the game of “let’s pretend it’s not that bad”. It may not be that bad for you but for some people it is. Let’s be honest about that.

In every community there are those who don’t want the seedier side of the community to be exposed. They want to paint the world in more positive terms. In this case, they don’t want to paint autism in a bad light.

One commenter said, “The autistic people I’ve experienced are often totured souls with so much to offer and give but terrified of how big the world is, how cruel peole are and frustrated at not being able to connect …” ¹ I absolulely agree with this. And that’s the part that people don’t seem to ‘get’.

I think it’s also important to recognize that this reddit thread appears to be written by autistic people. Well, one of the characteristics of autism is that you don’t always understand nuances. Perhaps this is one of those situations where nuance makes a difference and the commenters simply didn’t grasp it.